finding boundaries
i have a high tolerance for pain.
all my adult life i’ve been acutely aware of this. i've oftentimes found myself realizing that i was under duress as i was well into experiencing it.
my receptors around pain often felt like they'd been numbed, turned down, somehow. maybe it’s why i felt like i could tattoo my body (extensively) or continue to get pierced. maybe it’s why i engaged in sports that require a physical tax. i seemed able to withstand the weight, the intensity, and the duration required to excel.
and while i wouldn't say it was a source of pride, i certainly wasn't ashamed of it. sometimes i’d even laugh and joke about it, but never ashamed. it was just a fact. a truth—part of me. certainly, part of my narrative.
and then one day, it dawned on me where it all came from (that ah-ha moment!).
this stemmed from the sheer necessity to be able to let shit roll off my back. it felt vital to be able to navigate life. and, more specifically, the shit life threw at me.
and as i got older, more often than not the little jabs, the everyday trauma, the toxicity that i experienced—particularly given the skin that i’m in and the way that i’ve chosen to navigate through this lifetime—required me to, like president obama said, (well, actually, like jay-z said before him) brush that dirt off my shoulders.
so this trait, born out of necessity, became the root of my resilience.
and, as i continue exploring my deconstruct practice to address my own limiting constructs and oppressive narratives, i've come to appreciate that even though this resilience is a source of power and strength, it is born out of a white patriarchal construct.
the only way that i've been able to rise above the choking weight of these systems is to build a resilience so immune to pain that it takes quite a significant amount of duress for me to feel it. a protection mechanism.
and, as i yearn for a soft life, full of ease, it’s all become too much.
so, how does it show up in my life? spoiler: this does not just apply to physical feats. given my high tolerance for pain (btdubbs, i’m a bull. a taurus. i think that compounds things. ha!), far too often, i found myself biting my tongue, letting things slide, and making excuses for people and situations that didn’t deserve them.
instead of setting and holding personal boundaries, i was able to pile it on. side step after side step, i picked them up and threw them over my shoulder until i finally looked up and realized i was exhausted.
it was all too heavy. i realized that i’d been hurt—sometimes physically, always emotionally. i found myself in places that weren’t nurturing or supportive. and, the only course of action felt, to those on the receiving end, like an outsized response (i quit, it’s over, no f#@$! to give). triggered. and, they were right. i was misaligned and reactive because i’d been brushing things off of my shoulders. i bypassed all of the signals from my heart and gut for so long that no one (not even me) had any idea that my boundaries were being crossed. shit, or that i even had any boundaries! always happy-go-lucky—till i wasn’t.
i’d built a story in my head that it was easier to shake things off than to risk getting caught up and dragged down into despair from the shit people did. i now realize that each time i let someone slide or gave someone a pass, i put my personal needs and self-worth in the back seat. while i was trying to protect myself, i ended up compromising the most important thing in my life—me.
“i chose me, i’m sorry.”
— kendrick lamar
the consequences of ignoring your boundaries are grave. you start to feel less than. your voice doesn’t seem to matter. you likely dread entering certain places or avoid interactions with certain folks because you know how it will end—how you’ll be left feeling. the emotional, mental, AND physical toll only compounds. you are left feeling small, boxed in and show up accordingly.
healthy boundaries are lifeblood.
establishing them, especially for those trying it out for the first time in a while, isn’t easy and probably won’t feel natural at first. and because you’re still finding your voice in the act, you’ll likely be met with some resistance. you are not being disrespectful. you are advocating for you!
take a listen! just a personal story to help bring this section to life. we hope you enjoy it!
and, remember, this isn’t about trying to control someone else’s behavior, it’s about putting yourself first. it’s about charting what you need to feel respected, loved, and treasured. it’s about seeing someone for who they’ve shown themselves to be, and operating accordingly. feeling worthy enough to say out loud: i expect more from those around me. i deserve more and better. and, making the active choice to walk away—distance yourself from a person, a moment, an institution, or a system because it is not meant for you.
wondering where to start? if you haven’t joined our community yet, do so. our newsletter invites you to get grounded through a new ritual—one that helps you to stop bypassing the signals from your heart and gut, and instead tap into your internal knowing. join us and let’s practice!
